Wishing you a VERY Merry Holiday, Solstice & Happy New Year!! It’s such a JUICY TIME.
One of my favorite things about the holiday is tradition and reflection. The holiday marks a season that prompts me to reflect back upon my year, my accomplishments and my journey. With the return of the light I can feel hope renewing within me.
As many of you know, I’m going through a divorce. (Note: I’ve been saying that pretty much all year). Some would say- “Just get a divorce and move on!” But the truth is, it’s taken most of this year to grieve, find my joy again, explore my life without him and heal. It’s taken time, a lot of time… more time than I thought it would.
Real life takes time.
Real businesses take time to build
Financial sustainability takes time to establish.
Last month, a dear friend took me to a weekend workshop with Native American Elder: Paul Raphael. What I learned there is simple… but will forever change me. I’d like to share it with you because this concept is imperative to being able to create a life of purpose, prosperity & fulfillment.
I arrived for the “Honoring Transitions” weekend on the river in Petaluma, California with a heavy heart. I had been pressuring myself to be ready to sign divorce papers with my husband for weeks, and had called several of my friends in tears every time it came close to having the conversation with my husband and chickening out.
After beginning by sitting around a sacred fire, having ceremony, song and calling in the elements, Paul began to explain that during times of transitions we need to be held, honored, celebrated recognized and given experienced guidance. He also explained that with all the worldwide transition of consciousness and relationships shifting – that most people going through transitions aren’t getting the experienced guidance that we need.
In Native American culture, elders were called upon as a precious resource to help hold those in transition. Elders have a life carved into their hearts that allows them to hold space for life’s losses.
When someone experienced the loss of a close family member in native society, they would be given a year to grieve. The tribe would be sure they were fed warm food, taken care of and housed for a year- they were not expected to work. At the end of the year, a ceremony would be held, and they would be invited back into normal life.
Tears rolled down my cheeks as I heard this information. I thought about all those I knew who had experienced such loss and hadn’t been held and honored in this way.
At one point when questions were being taken, I stood… almost involuntarily, and asked in a trembling voice: “Why haven’t I been able to sign divorce papers with my husband? I’m ready to not be married anymore, but I seem to be completely resistant to signing the papers… can you help me?” I asked Paul.
Paul looked at me for a long while. He then said, “I’ll answer your question but I’d like to tell you a story first”… and went on to tell a story of when his brother died.
A few years ago, Paul’s younger brother had died and even after nearly a year, Paul was still really suffering over his death. Paul had nightmares night after night that he was looking for his brother and couldn’t find him. He would wake in a panic. He missed his brother terribly and began having a lot of anxiety; he felt he couldn’t function normally.
Paul finally decided to ask for help. He called his older brother and told him about the nightmares and extreme loss he was experiencing. Paul’s brother told him to meet him at the barn in an hour. When Paul arrived at the barn, his brother had gathered 10 men, friends of Paul’s and his brothers from the community.
Paul was asked to tell the men about the nightmare, and about his loss. After Paul explained his painful situation, each man went around the circle, stood and proclaimed his support of Paul.
Each man said: “I’m there for you. If you need me, the amount of time it will take me to get to you is the distance from my house to yours.” Then, Paul stood, and proclaimed his support to every man in the circle.
Paul went back to his life and never had the nightmare again. And, though he’s felt waves of sadness about his brother, he feels healed. He attributes this to knowing that he was holding the hand of every man in that circle as he let go of his brother.
Then, Paul got quiet and looked at me and said: “First of all you and your husband will always be connected in the heart, but you need to know beyond a doubt that you have hands to hold as you let go of your marriage.”
I wept when I heard this and could feel the truth. I returned to Santa Cruz and asked a couple of my friends to have a ceremony for me, honoring the end of my marriage and proclaiming that I am not a woman wed to a man any longer. Rather, I am now a woman wed to herself.
The experience of my ceremony changed my outlook on my divorce. I can now feel the resources I have underneath me; holding my hand as I walk through my transition.
Our society has become so individuated that we forget how much we need each other. We spend thousands of dollars on therapy and subconscious healing modalities that are all fantastic… but they DO NOT TAKE THE PLACE of… strong, loving community.
When we have a community of people who we know have our backs, are holding our hands and loving us no matter what, we feel safe enough to express, take risks, let go, try new things, hold our first workshop, ask for the sale and build our businesses.
Clearly, we can’t be everything to everybody. However, those relationships that are most precious to us are invaluable.
Are you feeding the fire of the relationships that you know support you in your life and business? Are you investing in relationships with others who really see you at a deep level and contribute to your success?
Whether you’re going through a transition or not… your relationships are a sort of currency for your success. The truth is that not everyone is going to support, celebrate and uplift you which makes it that much more important to nurture the relationships that do support you.
Stay tuned for my upcoming invitation to the “WOMEN ON PURPOSE: Spiritual Business Bootcamp” which starts January 24th and will provide you with a community of Spiritual Women Entrepreneurs who really “get” what you’re up to and can support you to grow your business.
For now, please share with us below about a person in your life who supports you: HOW do they support you? What makes their support special?
And then… copy that acknowledgement and paste it on your friend’s facebook wall or email it to them to spread the love. I look forward to hearing your responses below.
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Comments
Sage,
Thank you for sharing this intimate story. I am reminded of the healing journey I have walked through myself – both from divorce and the loss of my sister. Healing is like peeling away the layers of an onion, one layer at a time and the wisdom of the soul guides the process over the course of many lifetimes. As part of your community, I also pledge to hold and support you energetically in your process. Much love to you…
Helen
Thank you! This illustration of the power of community circles is a great inspiration!
Thank you for sharing your experience with Native wisdom from an elder willing to assist you and others.
Building bridges of healing between America’s First Peoples and all Americans, who are open to wisdom of the heart, learning to not be afraid of Love, learning of our integral oneness in fact is this transition we’re living.
Mitakuye Oyasin (we are all related)
Cindy supports me like nobody else. She is going through great transitions herself right now, including not having a home for her and her son. And everytime we talk she spends some of her beautiful spirit on me and my new business. She asks questions, offers suggestions, adds delight and excitement, and holds me big when I’m filled with doubt.
Thank you Helen & Su Child- beautifully put. And Nancy for your acknowledgement of Cindy. My new roomate Maggie has been a blessing in my life in so many ways- she totally believes in me and celebrates my successes with so much generosity… LOVE HER!
I love this – my friend Alicia is an amazing light in my life. She has always been behind me, no matter what I decide to do. And, I haven’t thanked her for awhile- Thanks for helping us remember to pay it forward Sage!
Yes YES YES!!!
With the holiday I am in huge transition myself and need my friends and family, even if they don’t show up perfectly. THANK YOU.
The more we each share our personal stories of pain and joy, the more we let others see our vulnerable side, our suffering as well as our success, the more we connect and are able to stand with each other. Thank you for sharing.
My friend Ché has been there for me, an unjudging companion and friend through the thick and thin of physical and emotional healings.
May Spirit bless us all
I am just about to be divorced after 3 years apart – my husband left me on xmas day of all days. BUT it is only in the last 4 months that I have finally let go of my old life, and only then because I reached out to others in my life.
Carol- you are so courageous- good for YOU! A testament to the soul for sure
Helen, I so agree with you – healing is like peeling back the layers of an onion. A few years back I had a 7 year relationship end, a friend killed and then broke my back, all within a few weeks. I couldn’t have gotten through this trying time without my amazing family and friends. And I was suprised, and blessed, by those old friends as well as those who I barely knew who held me up and supported me when I needed it. Although I wouldn’t wish what I went through on anyone, I learnt so much from the experience and made such amazing friends, some who were just there to help me at the time and some who are there for life. I honour them all.
dear dear sage, thank you so very much for sharing this simple wisdom with us. we all need to be reminded of the power of community…again…and yet again. and now, you will be in my thoughts and prayers. sending much strength to you sister. thank you for doing your part so fully, to bring about the positive changes in our world! bless!
Thank you, Sage. Your point that “Real life takes time. Real businesses take time to build. Financial sustainability takes time to establish” is giving me permission to breathe and envision my journey in a new way. I’ve also sat with Paul Raphael as well. His perspective is essential as we move forward together.
thank you,
Lev
Thank you Lev, Thank you Indigo, so glad and grateful to have you ALL in my life.
I thank my friend Cyndi for being angry for me when I was shocked, for sticking up for me when I forget my value and for supporting me when I make up my mind to try that which scares me. I have to embrace life when it terrifies me, inspires me or loves me more than I ever expected. Thank you for having my back and holding my dreams up with me.
Thanks for this- so relevant for me. I thank my friend Bonnie for standing by my dream when nobody else thought it was possible. I’m about to publish my book & it feels so… right.
Thanks so much for this post.
It supports the powerful inspiration I felt to prioritize and deepen my relationships with friends this year. I wish you many beautiful blessings and many beautiful experiences in 2012.
Hi Sage,
Thank you for sharing your story. Healing definitely takes time. The journey of healing can be very painful and slow. However as yours and Paul’s story illustrate – healing is possible for each and every one of us.
Healing from childhood abuse has been one of the greatest challenge and learning opportunity of my life. I understand we all do the best we can with what we know. I’ve learned to forgive, let go and have compassion for those who are struggling.
I’ve had many people come in to my life who I call “the hand of God” that touched me. These are people that helped me in my healing journey.
My daughter Rebekah is one of those people in my life. I’m truly blessed to be her mom. I’m also truly grateful for my partner Tyler and his unconditional love and support. I’m thankful for my friend/sister Chantal who has taught me the true meaning of friendship.
There are so many more people I’m thankful for in my life. I won’t be able to list and tell you about them all here.
I agree with you when you say ultimately what matters most is the people we love and care about. Thank you for a wonderful reminder. I recently read a quote I’d like to share with you.
“When life on earth is ending people don’t surround themselves with objects. What we want around us is people. People we love and have relationships with. In our final hours we all realize that relationships are what life is really all about and wisdom is learning this sooner rather than later. So don’t wait till you are on your death bed to figure out that nothing matters more than forgiveness and relationships.” ~ Rick Warren, The Purpose Driven Life ~
Peace, Love & Gratitude,
Neseret
Dearest Sage,
I loved this story! I cried and cried…I cried when I thought of the courage it took for you to ask your question. When I think of all those who were healed by Paul’s story told to you in sacred circle I cried. I cried with joy knowing that such an example of community love and spirit that was extended to Paul, and thus extended to you, could bring such healing to you. And to me! Your story inspires me to create a ritual for a friend going through a terrible divorce. But it also made me cry with just the raw truth of where we have allowed ourselves to numb and disconnect from one another in our individuated society. Thank you for going to the week-end and bringing back such a powerful story. I am forever grateful. You are a true friend to our community and to me! Love!
Native American Elder: Paul Raphael helped me through my divorce too – only I didn’t tell him that my husband of 30 years had just left me because at that time (nearly 12 years ago) Paul had just lost his wife. I was at one of Jon Young’s camps and I was wearing screech owl feathers. Paul came up to me and asked me if I had dropped these feathers – he had two screech owl feathers in his hand. I told him they were not my feathers but thanked him not knowing who he was and that his teachings would deeply affect me. Towards the end of camp I told Paul about the dragonflies that seemed to be following me. While at camp a darning needle landed on me while I was doing some finger weaving.
So I took Paul a small bag of tobacco wraped in red cloth and asked him what it meant – when dragonflies landed on me. He said he would think about it and get back to me. A couple days later he told me that I was leaving one world and getting ready for a new world that I was like the dragonfly that just emerged from the water and was drying my wings on a rock, He told me that the sky world was waiting for me and that I should wait and move into the new world when my wings were dry.
I too was having trouble signing those divorce papers but after what Paul told me I felt like my divorce was opening the doors to a whole new life and I have no regrets!
Thank you for your posting Sage! I have felt a lack of support in my biz life. I realize that when that happens I recoil into my cocoon of safety. I don’t nourish the relationship around me and hence I receive zero nourishment in return. Thanks for the reminder of following the heart in all this work as well.
Hi Sage,
I don’t exactly know why I came to this page, but I did and so I will tell my story. My daughter was diagnosed on December 14, 2007 with a slow growing brain tumour that was the size of a small gratefruit and she was immediately admitted to hospital and had a 14 hour surgery 6 days later. She was 31/2 years old at the time and we did not know at the time, was the beginning of her memories of a seemingly unending barrage of appointments and tests and treatments….. She died December 23, 2010 exactly 3 years and 9 days after she was first originally diagnosed.
Since my enrollment into these courses through Women on Purpose, I have begun to re-build my house, decided to set the goal to go back to work in April or at the beginning of the summer semester, and have been contacted Children’s Adoption services for aproval to go forward in my wish to adopt another child. The only glitch at this point was that I have been in an accident that totalled my car (without any insurance, that was another thing that I didn’t pay and had lapsed), but even this does not reduce my desire to go forward and continue on with building my life to fit me in a way that I can be succesful and therefore, can give back. My dream to build a hospice and palliative care center for children in my area will be realised and I am planning on it openning its doors in the summer of 2014.
I would have liked to write this in about 6 months in the future so that I could continue this journey on with you and tell you how things had changed and that I had completed the Women on Purpose on-line courses, and that with the knowledge leaned and applied, had started small steps towards my dream center or what I persieve to be my “purpose in life”, that my house was finished with its renovations, was put on the market and sold, that I found the funds to buy the house that I have been “drooling” over, and that every aspect of my life was as I had hoped. Maybe in 6 months, I will update you on my life and prove that it doesn’t matter where you come from or what “negative” experiences you are or have experienced in your life, a desire of the heart and the utilization of the right tools will get you to where you want to be.
Blessings
Gayle Jones
Gayle- Thank you for your willingness to keep showing up for that which is greater than you. At some point I would like you to hear the story of Buckminster Fuller losing his little daughter – I tell this story in my Purpose Clarification Program, and who he went on to become as a result of the depth of that pain. Pain carves into us, expanding our ability to also feel LOVE. Love simply cannot be attached to 1 person, we are here to love, love is a verb – you are here to love and you will continue to be loved. Thank you for keeping your heart open and continuing to move toward your path of purpose. Blessings to you and big hugs.